Title: Reversal: (Just Like) Starting Over

Series: Reversal

Author: meagan <nutmeg@serv.net>

Summary: The first night after "Forgiven" in my Reversal series.

Spoiler: Um, just my Reversal series up to and including "Forgiven." Extremely AU, and it makes *no* sense unless you've read the rest of the series.

Disclaimer: Of *course* they belong to someone else. I could never come up with characters like this. Specifically, they belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, WB, and anyone else I forgot.

Rating: I'm going to go with a nice light PG. Maybe even G.

Note: Originally posted 11 April 2000. The title does indeed come from that John Lennon song, in case anyone cares or was wondering

Reversal 12: (Just Like) Starting Over

By Meagan

The vampire and the new father agreed to continue their discussion back at Angel's. They drove in separate vehicles, and both wondered the same things. Would Xander change his mind at the last minute? Would he decide that this was something he didn't want after all?

But then the last minute arrived, and Xander found himself standing in Angel's living room, trying to figure out how to hold his daughter while watching Angel demonstrate infant positioning with his son.

"So you guys can take care of everything, right?" Cordelia sighed. "I have *got* to get out of here. You know I love you all, but I need to be around grownups for a change." She briskly distributed kisses on cheeks, pulling Xander into a careful but tight hug. "Welcome home." Then she was gone.

Xander gazed at the infant in his arms. "So. Here we are."

"Yeah." Angel carefully deposited Sasha in the cradle conveniently located next to the couch. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Um, sure. If the water's good."

The vampire shrugged. "That's not something I can answer."

"Oh. Right." He glanced at the cradle. "Is it okay if..."

"Let me help you." Xander watched as Angel relieved him of his burden, cooing at Gillian before placing her next to her brother. "The kitchen's this way."

"You moved. From last time, I mean."

Angel smiled faintly. It was clear that Xander was distinctly uncomfortable and unsure what was going to happen. Truthfully, neither did Angel, but instead of making him feel uneasy, he felt reassured that there was no hidden plan. "Yeah. Whistler's place just didn't work out."

"Why?"

Now Angel shrugged uncomfortably. "Can we talk about that later? I'm not sure you're ready for the answer right now."

Xander blinked. "As it turns out, he's really a child-eating demon?"

To Xander's astonishment, Angel laughed at that. Actual amusement, complete with smile. "No, nothing like that. But can we get through tonight without discussing him?"

"Why?"

"Because he has nothing to do with any of this. Not now."

"Oh." Silently, Xander accepted the glass of water and drained it quickly. "Good water. So what do we talk about here?"

Angel refilled Xander's glass, and suddenly Xander felt something fall into place. "Those babies. What you're going to do."

"What I'm going to do." He leaned against the counter as he attempted to figure out what had changed with the simple action of Angel refilling his water glass. "Do I need to decide now?"

"No, of course not. In fact, I would be worried if you didn't think about things."

"Right."

Once again, he emptied his water glass, and, once again, Angel refilled it. "Thirsty?"

"I guess." Xander's tone was distracted, though. He was still trying to figure out what had happened with the water.

"Tired?"

"Huh?" He blinked and turned his attention to Angel. "Oh. Yeah, I guess so. It's been a big day."

"I understand." Angel moved out of the kitchen, and Xander followed him back into the living room. "So you have a few options. You can stay here, or you can go home. If you stay here, you can sleep in one of the guest rooms or here in the living room."

Gazing at the infants, Xander felt there was another option he should consider. "Where do they sleep?"

"My room. Well, maybe it's more like *I* sleep in *their* room." Angel watched Xander kneeling next to the cradle, stroking the babies' heads. "Another option. You can sleep in there if you want. I'll stay in another room."

"No." Xander stood, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to steady himself before clarifying his answer. "We've come this far. I think we should stay together. At least for tonight."

Angel tilted his head, curious expression firmly fixed on his face. "'This far?' What do you mean? Because you've driven all the way out here from where you live now or from the office?"

Now Xander smiled and sat on the couch, gently patting the seat beside him. When Angel took that seat, Xander spoke. "Lived, Angel. Remember? I'm moving in here with you? And my interpretation of what happened in that office is that we're not going to worry about the past. You're not going to brood." And that's when he realized what had happened in the kitchen. Angel was acting normally. Casually. Well, as casually as the vampire could, but none of his actions were *deliberately* casual. Nothing had made Xander nervous. And Angel had apparently already assigned himself the role of Xander's caretaker. Not because Xander needed a caretaker but rather because Angel needed to take care of the mortal.

And that was it. They were a family. Cordelia was right. He was finally home.

"So."

Angel smiled faintly. "I'll be back in a few minutes. Keep an eye on them?"

Alone with his children, Xander sighed. "So what are we going to do, guys? Stick around with Fangboy? Go back to my little corner of..." He trailed off, trying to figure out what to call his apartment. "No, we can't do that. Not a good place for kids. And I'm not about to leave you alone with *him*. Half of your genes come from me, after all. You two would drive him insane. I don't need *that* on my conscience." He gazed at the pair. They were obviously content to be exactly where they were. He sighed as he realized he was searching for signs that he was *supposed* to stick around. To stay with Angel. Maybe that was a sign all by itself.

Before he knew it, Angel was back. "Ready?"

"For what?"

Angel shrugged. "It's been a big day for these two. Meeting their dad and everything. It's bedtime."

"Oh." Xander stretched, suddenly realizing it had been a very long day for him as well. "So where..."

"This way." Angel picked Gillian out of the cradle, and Xander did the same to Sasha. He blinked when they reached the bedroom. Just an ordinary bedroom, with a cradle next to the bed. Somehow, he had expected something dramatic. Gothic. Depressing. But this... Cheery blue walls, all oak furniture, a pile of magazines next to the bed. "Blue is supposed to be more relaxing."

Xander smirked, pointing at the wooden furniture. "Obviously not planning on entertaining anyone who might get mad at you."

"No. Just you."

"Just me." Xander sighed yet again. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

Angel's face began to slip into a frown, but he caught himself before it could fully form. "What do you mean?"

"You're obviously uncomfortable with me."

"You think this is about *you*?" Now the frown did settle in, but it was at himself, not Xander. "That came out wrong. I mean, you're fine. It's me. I just know that I'm going to say the wrong thing, and you're going to go running out of here as fast as you can, and then I'll never see you again. Sure, you'll get updates from Cordy, but that will be it."

"Would you like to shut up now?" Calmly, Xander sat down on the bed, pulling off his shoes. Then his pants. "I'm going to bed now. If you want to join me, you're more than welcome. But you have to be quiet. I want to sleep."

"Xander --"

Angel was silenced by Xander's shirt hitting his face. "Just get in bed and count to two hundred. Then you can go do whatever you do at night. If you lose track, you have to start over. Okay?"

And so Angel followed Xander to the bed and began to count. Out loud. Xander let him get all the way to fifty before interrupting.

"To yourself." Xander wrapped one arm around Angel's waist, resting his head on the vampire's chest. "Now start over."

As Angel obeyed, his fingers wandered through Xander's hair, gently twisting tufts into gravity-defying peaks. "Xander?"

"Hmm?"

"I need to know something."

Silence, then... "Yeah. You had better get used to me."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." More silence. "Angel?"

"Xander. If you keep interrupting me, I'll never get to two hundred, and then you'll be stuck with me in bed with you all night."

"Oh." A pause, longer than the first two. "Angel?"

Once again, no response for several long seconds. "What?"

Even in the dark, Angel could tell Xander was smiling. "You're never going to get to two hundred if you keep letting me interrupt you. Are you just making excuses to stay here with me?"

Angel laughed softly. "Is *that* what you think?" Before Xander could respond, Angel continued. "Because you're right." His fingers stilled. "Is that all right?"

Xander shrugged. "You could always count really, really slowly. And then you wouldn't want to wake me up by getting out of bed, right?"

"Right." Angel's fingers began trailing through Xander's hair once more.

"And then even if you did manage to get out of bed without waking me up, you wouldn't want me to wake up in a strange bed in a strange house all by myself, right?"

"It would be a terrible shock to your system."

"So we're agreed." Xander pulled away from Angel, but before the vampire could protest, the human had merely repositioned their bodies and arms so he was cradled against Angel. "You need to watch out for those two, and you would hate for them to get freaked because their dad is freaked, right?"

"This is true. It's all about them, right?"

"Right. They need loving parents."

"Two of them." Angel grinned. "And Cordelia's definitely not parent material."

"No, she is not. And they obviously like you, so they need to stay with you."

"Xander --"

Xander tilted his head up to place a gentle kiss on Angel's neck. "Just stick with me here, okay?" He waited for Angel's nod of agreement before continuing. "So. They need two loving parents, one of whom must be you. The other can't be Cordelia. Or Whistler. The way I see it, there is only one option."

"Xander..."

"Now you're getting the idea." He pulled the comforter up to his chin. "And now it's time for you to be quiet and let me get some sleep. You're on night duty with those two, and I'm on days. At least for now. So I would like to rest up because I know they are not nice, calm, sedate critters."

"No, they're not. They take after their dad. That's why I love them."

The words had slipped out before Angel had a chance to consider them, but instead of an instant, electrified reaction, all he got was a sleepy nod and a tighter arm around his waist. "Good." Just when Angel had decided that Xander had fallen asleep, the mortal spoke again. "You know, this feels just like starting over."

"And if it was?"

"If it was, I would vote that we lock ourselves away for a week and not let anyone bother us so we don't get interrupted again." A small cry erupted from the crib. Reluctantly, Xander released Angel. "Except by them, of course."

"Of course." With a grown, Angel made his way from the bed to the crib. Quietly, he turned his attention to the infants within. "So. Wet diaper? Need food?" He scooped up Gillian, grinning at her as she gurgled happily. "Oh. Just manipulating me into paying attention to you." Carefully, he moved back to the bed and sat on the edge. Then he turned his attention to Xander. Now flopped face-down, mouth held slightly open by the pillow -- and sound asleep. Quietly, Angel continued talking to the small form in his arms. "You know we have our work cut out for us. You, me, and that brother of yours. You know your job, right? Just bat those big brown eyes of yours at him, and he will do anything you ask." He tilted his head as if to listen to her asking a question. "How do I know? It's very simple." His gaze shifted back to Xander. "Don't you dare tell him. But it's because all he has to do is look at me, and I will do anything he wants."

"Angel?" The vampire jumped slightly at Xander's sleepy voice. "You're too loud." Xander lifted his head, smiling gently at the pair perched on the bed as he deliberately fixed his eyes on Angel's. "Why don't you put her back with her brother and come back to bed with me where you belong?"

Angel had placed Gillian back in the crib and made it halfway back to the bed before Xander's last words hit him. Where he belonged. By the time he reached the bed, Xander was once again asleep. Sighing, Angel gently nudged Xander's sleeping form. Still asleep, Xander moved away from the edge of the bed, allowing Angel enough room to join him. Angel smiled. Yes, this was definitely where he belonged.

~~~ the end ~~~